Blue Hydrangeas

Rerouted apologies and and misplaced blame suffocate survivors until showers burn like flames.  

gibberish

come here, sweet darling dressed in rose and wearing moonlight like candy whisper your bitter everythings and bite my tongue share your mountain perfume and blue ridge embrace warm my shaken bones until I melt.

Contrasting Conflation

I am a saltwater soul with blue ridge blood peaking like Pisgah while the Atlantic ocean runs through my veins. The sun sings my name in Appalachian folksong and I set it with my fingertips dancing new constellations into East Coast skies. Morning seafoam kisses my ankles pleading with me to stay another morning while…

remembering remembering, or trying to

This place is freezing, and I don’t know if it’s the lack of your presence or the AC set to 70, but I curl myself back into this twin duvet and let my own warmth suffice. The excess bedding nestled in my arms, I hold onto a fuzzy memory of you. Your face is vague…

salted ocean, salted skies

it’s my first time back in these waters since you died and the sky has yet to clear. Sanibel skies mourn you, too.

Thalassic Rubatosis

I sit down and sink in, letting the sun singe my skin while I bury sand deep beneath my nail beds. This is where I feel most connected to you, your heartbeat forever in time with the tide and your voice echoed in the wind’s hush, hush, hush.  You are the gulls, the gulf, and…

Growing, Continued.

One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do is look myself in the eyes and admit I deserve more than I’m being shown, by myself and those around me. My body deserves full, sufficient meals and my mind has a right to clarity. Decency and patience are not luxuries — they should be…

Complacency

My nightmares as a child had no echoes of falling or screams of teeth falling out; they held demons with the face of change and hands to pick me up and move me while all I could do was lay limp. I had such a deep rooted fear of losing everything I knew of being…

Giving and Taking and Balancing and Falling

I’m tired of writing about the cataclysm of last year and how much I’ve grown since then. I’m tired of this sunshine echo in my poetry and prose. I’m tired of trying not to seem pretenious, but in the process of doing so, sounding even more pretentious than the beginning. While this new voice is…

Cleansing

I have been rinsing myself of everything the year left on me cleansing myself of the scars, the wounds, the war. I am taking a brush and painting over all the acrylic blues they covered me in, letting my watercolored soul meet the sun once again. I am meeting myself for the first time, shaking…

Personal Complexities

You know a version of me. The girl who wears that old Elvis Costello shirt or the first year who gets toast at 1:00 PM in the afternoon; grape jelly on one slice and butter on the other. The blonde hair who sits in the second row or the young woman who has a blog….

I Am From…

I am from Jaysun and Anne Stockdell-Giesler, from an artist and a writer. From learning to never end a sentence with a preposition by the age of 6 and laughing along as my math homework stumped even my father. I am from a long history of English degrees, of creative writing and PhD’s. From the…

Wildflower

I was born a chrysanthemum, blooming in the fall and finding home in cold winters. Wrapped myself in my mother and father, the three of us always growing as one. Beautiful and soft, full of layers and layers of petals of which the years would pull apart slowly revealing the center of who I was…

Rewrite The Written

They say I have your words your state of mind and your empathetic demeanor. They say I carry you and your heart alongside mine and your pen in my hand. Am I your walking ghost? Am I a disarrayed collection of all you were, masked behind all your features and my own green eyes? I…

*You’re

I almost wish we’d never met. You stole six months from me, only half of which filled with naive apprehension and adoration. Even then, can the feeling of unknowingness ever truly be happy? Safe? Okay? I found myself drowning in the anxiety of question marks coating my skin, even then. The remaining three months were…

The Way They Leave Tells You Everything.

I shouldn’t be laying on my bedroom floor in my now dried towel at 3 A.M. after my 4th shower of trying to wash you off of me. I shouldn’t be driving myself insane over the questions of who she was, of who she is, of what she is that I’m not, of why I…

Promises

I’ve never known a promise that wasn’t broken so don’t promise me this isn’t the end when all that’ll do is carve this day as our expiration. You see, I’ve learned enough about promises to know they almost function as a curse. I promised to always treat myself with the kindness I’d treat my own…

Flicker

Just a little flame quick to burn out just a little something to keep you warm between bodies is that what I was to you? what we were? just a small flame, flickering in the dark until the wax dripped down completely and the wick burnt out, until there was nothing left to be said….

Scintilla

And the worst part is, it was never even fully real to begin with. Was it? It was a rendezvous between a rantipole and a flight risk and regardless of how careful you are, combinations of that sort never end well. Do they? Destined to collapse into oceans you once flew over together or burn…

I Met Evil When I Was Only A Child

I met evil when I was only a child. It stepped onto my doorstep in late February. Evil drove as we spent consecutive hours, days, weeks, months in hospital beds and folding chairs the scent of the linoleum floor and sterilized air permanently perfumed our skin and stained our memories. Evil watched as the nurses…

Before You

Others have sat in this seat before you. Some with the same name some with similar minds some with the same avocation but none with the same eyes. You are not the first to hold me closely, to replace my name with sweet nothings. Different fingers have been laced in mine and traced constellations in…

Emotional Sensations

I can feel it. I can already feel it and I’m scared. I can feel the sun from your eyes warming my skin after months of being frozen over. I can feel my heart start to rush into melody every time I hear your name. I can feel my hands always searching for yours, even…

Augie

Echoed footsteps on cold tile and sisterly giggles filling the murky summer air. “Augie slow down! Your legs are toooo looooong.” Listen closely and you can hear the salt water pool splashing and circulating, only a window away. Breathe deeply and you can taste it. You can count the people we’ve loved by the freckles…

Liquid Love

I have so much love within me so much luminous love and sometimes, I find it overflowing and spilling into the wrong hands. I don’t intend for it to but once it does, once it’s floating someone’s palm it stays there until they let it slip through their fingers. Even then, fragments of my love…

Four Years, 224 Posts, And 57,288 Words Later

Here we are. It’s been four years since this little blog came into being. Four entire years of poetry, prose, short stories, and everything my mind could muster in between. You can find stolen glances of arguably the most significant years of my life on here, little intimate views into my candid mind, an open diary….

Sweet Nothings

You call me sweet little nothings and each breath turns them into somethings. Your lips have the ability to melt harsh syllables into melodic symphonies and completely cover me when you speak. I am not sure whether or not this is real, whether this is a mirage or if this is hope manifested but that…

Kairosclerosis

For the first time in my life, I am happy alone. I don’t yearn for someone, for somebody to hold or to hold me. For the first time, I don’t want to be involved, to have my name constantly connected to another’s. I want to be my own and my own entirely. This is a…

Your Old Things, Take Them

I’ve got your stuff all pressed and boxed up, the dust collected atop and all. I don’t want this any of it your old t shirts or glass water bottles or our journal lined with bleeding hearts or these mixed CDs I’ve made for you all 9. I don’t want these butterflies that won’t seem…

Where Are You?

I promised I’d always find you but you’ve stolen the sun and now I’m lost.

You’re Going To Live Forever In Me

1,461 nights ago, your heart stopped in your chest and starting beating alongside mine. Your soul left your body and ours joined seamlessly though I am not entirely sure our souls were ever separate to begin with. We are made of the same stars the same flowing ink on pages of never written novels the…

Saudade

4 years ago today I was told you wouldn’t make it. 4 years ago today I didn’t think I would either.

I’m Freezing Over

I don’t understand how you can claim to love someone still so deeply yet feed them icy silence, ignoring their open hand.

Bridges, Burning.

You stood there watching from afar as I writhed gasping for breath as my lungs filled with smoke from the all the bridges of mine that you set flame to bridges I had built with others the bridges that belonged to me bridges you had no right to.

Revival

There are journals and canvases scattered all over the floor left from my 2 AM song lyrics and watercolor ramblings and somehow, their disarrayed arrangement is art within itself that kind of organized chaos I feel like it reflects what my mind looks like currently. Watercolored silhouettes with blended colors, all nonsense unless explained yet…

Writer’s Decongestant

Now I know that this is not a time for us. There are too many miles separating and not enough trust to build off of. I am not asking that you ignore those circumstances, that would be far beyond reason to ask of even myself. In fact, I am not asking anything of you at…

Desiderium

I believe a person has multiple soulmates; one for each part of who they are. I wholeheartedly believe you were the soulmate of all the best, most beautiful parts of me.

I Wrote This For You

I am writing this for you. The you who knows me through and through, despite what you may believe, anymore. The you who knows my speech patterns like the chorus to your favorite song and the inside of my hands like your own personal roadmap to our made up constellations. I am writing this in…

Nepenthe

Sitting in the passenger seat as you leaned over the middle console, serenading me between kisses, promising to share our lives for the next ten minutes. I could feel a smile spread across your face, your cheeks turning upwards against mine. Every constellation was watching us with marvelous envy, wishing desperately they could be as…

Do You?

I want to ask what you think of me. I want to know your candid thoughts when you hear my name. I want to know what swims through your mind when you hear a song I used to sing, windows down, blasting. I want to know if you ever think of me the same times…

I Used To Hold Those Eyes In Mine

I am terrified I will see you look at her the way you used to look at me and I will feel every bone in my body turn to dust under the pressure of my suddenly still heart.

The Paradox Of Unhealing

What do you do when a wound was never given time to heal? It’s been left untreated for months continuously poked and torn and ripped. Do you reach for closure for it to begin mending or do you bite your cheek, tighten your lungs, and walk on? Do you risk what the little stability you…

Revisions

I deleted the pieces of myself I created for other people and replaced them instead with ones I thought people expected of me. I went from a fragile, watered down, diluted version of myself to a scrapbook of traits, none of which are my own. Swapped a severed tongue for one doused in liquid slander….

Always Beside You

You will find me swimming in your mid afternoon coffee and gently staining your upper lip. I’m the string on your guitar that keeps going just slightly out of tune, and only so much to make you laugh and tune me right back up . I will be the single snowflake falling perfectly onto your…

Remember

“Remember this.” my mind muttered to me “Remember how it feels to lay next to her, to feel her beating heart and her gentle breath against your skin.” “Remember how it feels to be comforted simply by her presence, by knowing she’s right beside you.” “Remember feeling whole, complete.” I tried and I tried to hold…