Delicacy

This past year has easily been one of the most brutal years of my life. After losing myself and everyone around me, I found myself collapsed and at a loss of direction. Where do you walk when you’ve lost all sense of navigation? Who do you look to when everyone has turned away?  I found…

I Am From…

I am from Jaysun and Anne Stockdell-Giesler, from an artist and a writer. From learning to never end a sentence with a preposition by the age of 6 and laughing along as my math homework stumped even my father. I am from a long history of English degrees, of creative writing and PhD’s. From the…

Rewrite The Written

They say I have your words your state of mind and your empathetic demeanor. They say I carry you and your heart alongside mine and your pen in my hand. Am I your walking ghost? Am I a disarrayed collection of all you were, masked behind all your features and my own green eyes? I…

Coddiwomple

Life is really, truly, wholeheartedly beautiful. In every stupid overused cliche, in each song about feeling reborn, I guess there really is some truth to be found. I have only been here for ten days and I feel more consistently alive than I have in longer than I can remember. There are no spouts of…

Illusionary Hopes

I need to let go of the illusion that it could have been any different. Any of it, really. I couldn’t have saved her. Cancer isn’t something you can just hope away. No matter what I did, nothing could’ve changed the terminal diagnosis hanging over her head. Not three thousand glasses of lemon water, not…

Promises

I’ve never known a promise that wasn’t broken so don’t promise me this isn’t the end when all that’ll do is carve this day as our expiration. You see, I’ve learned enough about promises to know they almost function as a curse. I promised to always treat myself with the kindness I’d treat my own…

I Learned A Lot About Being A Friend When I Was Alone

I learned a lot about being a friend when I was alone. Crowded rooms are consistently the most complicated and lonely places to find oneself. Standing alone while clusters of your former friends close themselves off to you is more painful than comprehensible. You lose basic knowledge of how to stand comfortably, of what to…

Exodus

While I do find beauty in metaphors, I think there’s something terrifyingly fascinating about being straightforward. Here, let me explain. In a metaphorical sense, these past four years have been to me as Apollo was to Daphne, as streptococcus pneumoniae is to the human body, as a chrysalis is to a caterpillar.   To be…

Augie

Echoed footsteps on cold tile and sisterly giggles filling the murky summer air. “Augie slow down! Your legs are toooo looooong.” Listen closely and you can hear the salt water pool splashing and circulating, only a window away. Breathe deeply and you can taste it. You can count the people we’ve loved by the freckles…

The Last Six Months, Sonicallly

Someone New // Banks Hard Feelings/Loveless // Lorde Supercut // Lorde You Should Talk // Fletcher Sad Beautiful Tragic // Taylor Swift Cotton Candy Skies // Sean Bolton Back To December // Taylor Swift Appointments // Julien Baker All These Years // Camila Cabello Reflections // The Neighbourhood These Songs Are Yours // Andrew Douglas…

Revival

There are journals and canvases scattered all over the floor left from my 2 AM song lyrics and watercolor ramblings and somehow, their disarrayed arrangement is art within itself that kind of organized chaos I feel like it reflects what my mind looks like currently. Watercolored silhouettes with blended colors, all nonsense unless explained yet…

Writer’s Decongestant

Now I know that this is not a time for us. There are too many miles separating and not enough trust to build off of. I am not asking that you ignore those circumstances, that would be far beyond reason to ask of even myself. In fact, I am not asking anything of you at…

Conversations

“Your hair is a bit shorter now.” You tell me this while your hand begins to reach towards the ends which fall somewhere between my shoulders and chin.  I think I can almost hear a tinge of sadness in your voice, but it’s hard to say; you always were rather brilliant at masking your thoughts…

Revisions

I deleted the pieces of myself I created for other people and replaced them instead with ones I thought people expected of me. I went from a fragile, watered down, diluted version of myself to a scrapbook of traits, none of which are my own. Swapped a severed tongue for one doused in liquid slander….

I’m Still Learning

Somewhere in the fall, I lost the map to the personal universe behind my green grey eyes. My head is spinning as I try to comprehend which habits are mine and which I created to please you. The spinning changes course as I try to remember the pieces of me I deleted for you, giving me…

This Year

I am focusing on myself this year. I have spent my entire life putting others first, not thinking twice. This of course can be a wonderful attribute to ones character, but becomes quite messy when it begins to take a toll on one’s health. I sacrifice myself for anyone over and over and over until…

I Will Not Lie

I will not lie. I still miss him. I miss the way he’d pull me in, causing me to fall into him. I miss his incredibly beautiful genuine smile that only appeared once in awhile. I long for our car rides with music blasting and beating in time with our hearts. I miss watching him…

Sugar Coating The Bullet

When you told me you still wanted to be in my life, I couldn’t read my own thoughts. I felt utter sadness yet also complete frustration. I will always want you in my life but not in that way. I don’t want you laughing across the table with my friends while I sit there, acting…

Broken Record

“I love you.” “I love you too.” From the very beginning, there was something there. We nurtured it and watched it bloom into something so incredibly profound. Nobody really understood but nobody questioned it. It was written in the oldest of tales. We were whole together. “I love you.” “Love ya too.” You began to…

Me: An Update

It’s been a long time since I have written of myself, of how I am doing with life at the moment. Maybe too long, possibly not long enough. There isn’t really a way to tell. Things have been rather grand the past week or so. I became a part of something I never fathomed I…

Sonder

It’s rather curious that each individual, each stranger has a life just as complex (if not more) as our own. It’s even more so bizarre that we can’t truly ever comprehend that. The man on the subway. His blank stare gives off little so nothing other than numbness, though there is something behind it. He has…

We Are Chaos

We are chaos. We fall apart just to fall back into each other. Our muscles are sore and cramping from trying to keep up and the world is spinning as our dizzy heads refuse to settle. There are moments of complete, entire bliss. We find a safe little latibule to reside within, at least before…

It Hurts To Think Of December

Coming up this December, it’ll be three years since I last saw you. Three years since I heard your voice, felt your warmth, existed with you. That doesn’t feel real. I wish it wasn’t. Hell, I’d do anything to have you back, healthy. That night, you were carried out the door in a black body…