Giving and Taking and Balancing and Falling

I’m tired of writing about the cataclysm of last year and how much I’ve grown since then. I’m tired of this sunshine echo in my poetry and prose. I’m tired of trying not to seem pretenious, but in the process of doing so, sounding even more pretentious than the beginning. While this new voice is…

Cleansing

I have been rinsing myself of everything the year left on me cleansing myself of the scars, the wounds, the war. I am taking a brush and painting over all the acrylic blues they covered me in, letting my watercolored soul meet the sun once again. I am meeting myself for the first time, shaking…

In 5 Years’ Time

60 months. 262 weeks. 1,821 days. 43,701 hours. Has it actually been five years since I last saw you, since you passed? I can’t really begin to comprehend that, honestly. Half the time, I can convince myself it feels like just yesterday but to be candid, it feels like it’s been a decade. You missed…

Delicacy

This past year has easily been one of the most brutal years of my life. After losing myself and everyone around me, I found myself collapsed and at a loss of direction. Where do you walk when you’ve lost all sense of navigation? Who do you look to when everyone has turned away?  I found…

Personal Complexities

You know a version of me. The girl who wears that old Elvis Costello shirt or the first year who gets toast at 1:00 PM in the afternoon; grape jelly on one slice and butter on the other. The blonde hair who sits in the second row or the young woman who has a blog….

Rewrite The Written

They say I have your words your state of mind and your empathetic demeanor. They say I carry you and your heart alongside mine and your pen in my hand. Am I your walking ghost? Am I a disarrayed collection of all you were, masked behind all your features and my own green eyes? I…

*You’re

I almost wish we’d never met. You stole six months from me, only half of which filled with naive apprehension and adoration. Even then, can the feeling of unknowingness ever truly be happy? Safe? Okay? I found myself drowning in the anxiety of question marks coating my skin, even then. The remaining three months were…

I Only Told The Moon

I feel scared and alone. Now, I know I am not actually alone; I have loving support just a call away and an entire set of heartbeats backing my steps. Knowing that doesn’t stop the feeling, though. No matter how many times I chant a mantra of serenity, the harsh reality of being cast into…

Illusionary Hopes

I need to let go of the illusion that it could have been any different. Any of it, really. I couldn’t have saved her. Cancer isn’t something you can just hope away. No matter what I did, nothing could’ve changed the terminal diagnosis hanging over her head. Not three thousand glasses of lemon water, not…

The Way They Leave Tells You Everything.

I shouldn’t be laying on my bedroom floor in my now dried towel at 3 A.M. after my 4th shower of trying to wash you off of me. I shouldn’t be driving myself insane over the questions of who she was, of who she is, of what she is that I’m not, of why I…

Promises

I’ve never known a promise that wasn’t broken so don’t promise me this isn’t the end when all that’ll do is carve this day as our expiration. You see, I’ve learned enough about promises to know they almost function as a curse. I promised to always treat myself with the kindness I’d treat my own…

Scintilla

And the worst part is, it was never even fully real to begin with. Was it? It was a rendezvous between a rantipole and a flight risk and regardless of how careful you are, combinations of that sort never end well. Do they? Destined to collapse into oceans you once flew over together or burn…

I Met Evil When I Was Only A Child

I met evil when I was only a child. It stepped onto my doorstep in late February. Evil drove as we spent consecutive hours, days, weeks, months in hospital beds and folding chairs the scent of the linoleum floor and sterilized air permanently perfumed our skin and stained our memories. Evil watched as the nurses…

Before You

Others have sat in this seat before you. Some with the same name some with similar minds some with the same avocation but none with the same eyes. You are not the first to hold me closely, to replace my name with sweet nothings. Different fingers have been laced in mine and traced constellations in…

Emotional Sensations

I can feel it. I can already feel it and I’m scared. I can feel the sun from your eyes warming my skin after months of being frozen over. I can feel my heart start to rush into melody every time I hear your name. I can feel my hands always searching for yours, even…

Augie

Echoed footsteps on cold tile and sisterly giggles filling the murky summer air. “Augie slow down! Your legs are toooo looooong.” Listen closely and you can hear the salt water pool splashing and circulating, only a window away. Breathe deeply and you can taste it. You can count the people we’ve loved by the freckles…

Liquid Love

I have so much love within me so much luminous love and sometimes, I find it overflowing and spilling into the wrong hands. I don’t intend for it to but once it does, once it’s floating someone’s palm it stays there until they let it slip through their fingers. Even then, fragments of my love…

Four Years, 224 Posts, And 57,288 Words Later

Here we are. It’s been four years since this little blog came into being. Four entire years of poetry, prose, short stories, and everything my mind could muster in between. You can find stolen glances of arguably the most significant years of my life on here, little intimate views into my candid mind, an open diary….

Sweet Nothings

You call me sweet little nothings and each breath turns them into somethings. Your lips have the ability to melt harsh syllables into melodic symphonies and completely cover me when you speak. I am not sure whether or not this is real, whether this is a mirage or if this is hope manifested but that…

Never Read

I have posts upon poems that will never see the light of day, not because they aren’t worthy but rather because they are from a time I have since grown. They no longer reflect my current composure and it would be almost a lie to send them out into the world now, as I no…

Maybe Meant To Be, But Not To Last.

Our lives are full of turning points, and sometimes those turning points happen have two eyes and a name. Some people are meant to be together, just not forever. Temporary people are no less significant than those who we find to be permanent. While they do eventually find a parting way in our timelines, they…

Kairosclerosis

For the first time in my life, I am happy alone. I don’t yearn for someone, for somebody to hold or to hold me. For the first time, I don’t want to be involved, to have my name constantly connected to another’s. I want to be my own and my own entirely. This is a…

Your Old Things, Take Them

I’ve got your stuff all pressed and boxed up, the dust collected atop and all. I don’t want this any of it your old t shirts or glass water bottles or our journal lined with bleeding hearts or these mixed CDs I’ve made for you all 9. I don’t want these butterflies that won’t seem…

Where Are You?

I promised I’d always find you but you’ve stolen the sun and now I’m lost.

You’re Going To Live Forever In Me

1,461 nights ago, your heart stopped in your chest and starting beating alongside mine. Your soul left your body and ours joined seamlessly though I am not entirely sure our souls were ever separate to begin with. We are made of the same stars the same flowing ink on pages of never written novels the…

Bridges, Burning.

You stood there watching from afar as I writhed gasping for breath as my lungs filled with smoke from the all the bridges of mine that you set flame to bridges I had built with others the bridges that belonged to me bridges you had no right to.

Do You?

I want to ask what you think of me. I want to know your candid thoughts when you hear my name. I want to know what swims through your mind when you hear a song I used to sing, windows down, blasting. I want to know if you ever think of me the same times…

The Paradox Of Unhealing

What do you do when a wound was never given time to heal? It’s been left untreated for months continuously poked and torn and ripped. Do you reach for closure for it to begin mending or do you bite your cheek, tighten your lungs, and walk on? Do you risk what the little stability you…

Revisions

I deleted the pieces of myself I created for other people and replaced them instead with ones I thought people expected of me. I went from a fragile, watered down, diluted version of myself to a scrapbook of traits, none of which are my own. Swapped a severed tongue for one doused in liquid slander….

Always Beside You

You will find me swimming in your mid afternoon coffee and gently staining your upper lip. I’m the string on your guitar that keeps going just slightly out of tune, and only so much to make you laugh and tune me right back up . I will be the single snowflake falling perfectly onto your…

Remember

“Remember this.” my mind muttered to me “Remember how it feels to lay next to her, to feel her beating heart and her gentle breath against your skin.” “Remember how it feels to be comforted simply by her presence, by knowing she’s right beside you.” “Remember feeling whole, complete.” I tried and I tried to hold…

Homesick

Ever since you stepped off my doorstep and boarded the plane, I’ve found myself subconsciously wishing each one passing overhead is one holding you brining you back home to me. It’s only been four days and it feels like weeks. I spend each hour finding new ways to miss you and with each day comes a…

An Eclipse

With you no longer here, no longer in my arms or even the same country, the light has dimmed. You are the sun, the brightness in my life and without you here, the days resume the same dullness the held before you. Tonight starts the month-long eclipse.

Overpass

Headlights passing passing passing Perched on the overhang of the overpass with you beside me. Arm wrapped gently around my shoulders holding me close holding me together. The tip of the unnoticeably less than full moon begins to radiate through the distant bare trees. I looked over at you and realized the moon resembled the reflection of…

Unsent, Unsaid

So much never said never spoken never sent never to be known. I still have so much left to say that I never did and now never can. Do you?  

Alphabet

A buried castle deems enchanted, fate gives her imagination. Jubilation keenly loops mystery, never omnipresent. Perhaps quaint red slippers tangle up velvet with xenon yellowed zebras.

Wildflower Words

And here my writing returns back to the oh-so-expected sense of romance the stereotypical and too often dull sense of imagined spark of a seemingly blinded heart falling without any way of catching something to lighten the fall. Poetry of such can far too often turn to a routine written by a blatherskite but life is so…

Astral

Between the gentle swinging of the hammock and the steady rhythm of your heart, that night became my favorite song. Lyrics in the constellations, acoustic guitar in the hum of our voices, and the gentle drum of your heartbeat. Everything was so simple. It felt natural, easy, beautiful, peaceful. Words can’t express how serene I…

Whale Song

And in my sinking heart there is a whale song. The blue whale sings his melodic hum waiting for harmonies to join in. He sings of the tsunamis of overwhelming emotion. He sings of the droughts afterwards. He sings of the unsteady beating of his home, of my heart. He sings of the silent ocean,…

Painted Veins

In this world I have known people to either be artists or to be art. You, my dear, seem to be the wonder of both.

3 Years Later

I never expected people to care. It was never in my mind that individuals in 30 different countries would have my blog address memorized and be visiting it routinely, that there would be fan art made of my words. All this was to me was writing but now, it has become so much more. I remember…

Denouement

I understand if we must let things go but please please do not forget the beauty we held for those years. Do not dismiss the way we took on the world, just the two of us against everything or the way neither of us hesitated to support the other. Always remember the feeling when we laughed until…

Lovingly

And with every ounce of her, she loved. Her eyes reflected light onto the world around her and watercolors danced from her fingertips. She was delicate but she was to be marveled upon. Her entire being was so completely full of compassion and empathy that it seeped from her and onto the shoulders of those…

Your Last Poem

No. No, you know what? You don’t deserve to know my thoughts and the way you’ve been circling my mind. You don’t deserve to have your venomous eyes glorified and romanticized into some beautiful metaphor they are not. You don’t deserve to be painted as something pure, like you did no wrong because in the…

188 Memories And Photographs

I deleted all of our pictures yesterday.  It was like deleting memories Smiles Laughter The times you still loved me. I went through my phone and one by one deleted each of the 188 photographs of you, Of us. 188 memories. I knew I had to do it I couldn’t avoid it forever. Those photos…