*You’re

I almost wish we’d never met. You stole six months from me, only half of which filled with naive apprehension and adoration. Even then, can the feeling of unknowingness ever truly be happy? Safe? Okay? I found myself drowning in the anxiety of question marks coating my skin, even then. The remaining three months were…

The Way They Leave Tells You Everything.

I shouldn’t be laying on my bedroom floor in my now dried towel at 3 A.M. after my 4th shower of trying to wash you off of me. I shouldn’t be driving myself insane over the questions of who she was, of who she is, of what she is that I’m not, of why I…

Promises

I’ve never known a promise that wasn’t broken so don’t promise me this isn’t the end when all that’ll do is carve this day as our expiration. You see, I’ve learned enough about promises to know they almost function as a curse. I promised to always treat myself with the kindness I’d treat my own…

I Learned A Lot About Being A Friend When I Was Alone

I learned a lot about being a friend when I was alone. Crowded rooms are consistently the most complicated and lonely places to find oneself. Standing alone while clusters of your former friends close themselves off to you is more painful than comprehensible. You lose basic knowledge of how to stand comfortably, of what to…

I Met Evil When I Was Only A Child

I met evil when I was only a child. It stepped onto my doorstep in late February. Evil drove as we spent consecutive hours, days, weeks, months in hospital beds and folding chairs the scent of the linoleum floor and sterilized air permanently perfumed our skin and stained our memories. Evil watched as the nurses…

Emotional Sensations

I can feel it. I can already feel it and I’m scared. I can feel the sun from your eyes warming my skin after months of being frozen over. I can feel my heart start to rush into melody every time I hear your name. I can feel my hands always searching for yours, even…

Augie

Echoed footsteps on cold tile and sisterly giggles filling the murky summer air. “Augie slow down! Your legs are toooo looooong.” Listen closely and you can hear the salt water pool splashing and circulating, only a window away. Breathe deeply and you can taste it. You can count the people we’ve loved by the freckles…

A Personal Revolution

It’s so much harder to write when you’re happy. When you’re drowning and overwhelmed by emotion, the thoughts pour onto pages as fluidly as water finally causing a rupture in a dam, but when you feel light within you, words become secondary. Nothing even begins to come close to the feeling of a thousand suns…

Where Are You?

I promised I’d always find you but you’ve stolen the sun and now I’m lost.

Nepenthe

Sitting in the passenger seat as you leaned over the middle console, serenading me between kisses, promising to share our lives for the next ten minutes. I could feel a smile spread across your face, your cheeks turning upwards against mine. Every constellation was watching us with marvelous envy, wishing desperately they could be as…

Revisions

I deleted the pieces of myself I created for other people and replaced them instead with ones I thought people expected of me. I went from a fragile, watered down, diluted version of myself to a scrapbook of traits, none of which are my own. Swapped a severed tongue for one doused in liquid slander….

3 Years Later

I never expected people to care. It was never in my mind that individuals in 30 different countries would have my blog address memorized and be visiting it routinely, that there would be fan art made of my words. All this was to me was writing but now, it has become so much more. I remember…

Lovingly

And with every ounce of her, she loved. Her eyes reflected light onto the world around her and watercolors danced from her fingertips. She was delicate but she was to be marveled upon. Her entire being was so completely full of compassion and empathy that it seeped from her and onto the shoulders of those…

Sunrise {Chapter Three}

ELEANOR  “Today’s weather forecast shows light rain with mild cloud coverage. Don’t go out without an umbrella today, folks! Here’s DJ Dawn with-“ Tuesday. 5:45 A.M. May 16th. Riverton, Wyoming. 82501. I have 45 minutes until I need to be at Statistics, which is conveniently on the north end of the campus. My dorm lays…

You Are Photokinetic

There’s a quote my mom once explained to me years ago. I wanted to understand it, to see it the way she did, the way she wanted me to see it. I couldn’t quite grasp it, though. Years later, I have begun to comprehend the 33 words. “An entire sea of water can’t sink a…

Sunrise {Chapter Two}

TOBY She is so, so, so, so, so, so, so, just… damn. There’s not a word for her. She’s just her. She’s just Eleanor Alexis Paylor. She doesn’t need to be any more than that. She tells me she lives with “liberosis”, the desire to care less about things. I respect that she feels that way, but…

Disintegrate

sometimes things just d   w   i  n   d   l   e d o w n to nothing. you can just feel disintegrating in your lungs in your left-side brain in your shoulders in your stomach as the acid rises in your shaking hands until it is all gone and nothing is left. nothing left but ashes and dust.

Your Arms Are The Map

I have always wanted to see the world. You know that. I babble on and on endlessly to you about how I am desperate to just soak in the London rain and watch the sunsets Luxor. You also know I am not really the best with change, with packing my things and being on my…

Sunrise {Chapter One}

ELEANOR   Every sunrise in Riverton, Wyoming is nothing short of average, but each morning Toby is determined to make me see it the way he does. He calls me at ungodly hours of the morning telling me how “the stars are descending at such a pace that signifies a change in my morning attitude” and “the altocumulus…

Happiness//Healing

I hope that someday you become so filled with happiness that it heals each and every broken part of you.

Deconstructed

You took me apart piece by piece. Separated each fragment of my body and my soul and laid me along the earth. I thought you looked at me like I was one of Neptune’s moons but I didn’t realize you were analyzing me the way a predator does prey.   You pushed aside my  poetry…

Naiya

You are really underappreciated. I know I remind you constantly of how much I adore you and how deeply you’ve impacted my life. I don’t remind you enough, though. I could take every waking moment of each day for the next 30 years to tell you “I love you and you are important”. Assuming 8…

Flames

What is so wrong with me that I end up hurting everyone I come in contact with? Every person, every soul ends up tinged tainted tattered Is it something in my blood? Is there yet another chemical imbalance within my brain, creating every hopeful relationship I have with another person, only to mechanically turn it…

Collision

We are broken people. We are such chaotically, incredibly broken people. Rust carries worn out words through our veins. Our ears ring with the sounds of oceans and insincerity.  We are two disasters; a hurricane and a volcanic eruption. Each of our worlds are so vastly different and complex. We are the daughter of Apollo and the son…

Anonymous Letters To Anonymous People

It’s weird; I’ve become sort of numb, used to feeling your absence now. It will tap me on the shoulder on occasion, but it never truly, fully hits me. I think I’ve blocked it out. I think I stopped allowing myself to feel such things awhile ago. It’s been so gradual and subtle that it didn’t phase…

Heartbeat

You are still wrapped up in my blankets in a “cocoon” sitting on my floor with your back against my closet door. I am leaning on you head in your lap cushioned by several layers of my duvet and grey throw. I hear- no. I feel your heartbeat against my head gently through your band…

Fading Flashbacks

There are days, weeks even that I swear I am okay. All is okay until I hear a laugh that sounds vaguely like yours or see a sweater in a store that you would have adored. Everything collapses in those moments. I feel my stomach drop onto the pavement or the sterilized linoleum. Each of…

Simplicity

We could just sit for hours on end and just exist, just us and the air around us. Lungs filling with the humid atmosphere and exhaling gentle breath into the void hands entangled within the clay and grass blades pinkies latched together creating promises in our own silent language. I’d be happy with that. I could…

I Want To Tell You

I want to cup your gentle face in my hands and tell you all of the endless wonders that I can see swimming in your eyes. I want to tell you the way I feel sunlight shine through our skin and clouds dance along our heads, as if we are skyscrapers. I want to tell you how…

Forelsket

I know when you are with somebody, they are supposed to make you happy, so incredibly happy that you feel like flying but when you smile I forget everything I was going to say and I feel my cheeks tighten as your smile is instantly contagious. The way you look at me makes me feel…

E.

10 times a day I will remind you of my love (if not more). 9 times you will brush it off. 8 shades of green and golden brown encompass your pupil. 7 birthmarks create shapes of constellations and undiscovered land. 6 T-shirts of mine lay on your closet floor, wrinkled. 5 fingers wrapped around my arm…

The Dark Hour

Every night, the clock stops. Time freezes right between 2 and 3 A.M. Everything, everyone is still. I wait for this hour, this one hour where the entire world is mine. I wait each night to go and breath the crisp air and soak in the cobalt sky. Everything is so peaceful. So serene. All…

Posting On Your Facebook

Sometimes I think about how you have never seen my blog. You’ve never read any of my work in the past (almost) three years or anything of which I have really felt proud. Honestly, I don’t quite remember what you did read. All I know is you always encouraged me to keep writing and writing…

The Fates Are In Our Favor

“Here’s this boy. At first, he won’t see you. He will see you, but not really. Then, he’ll look over your way in the summer and he may take his first glance. Then, things will end because you fear hurting him because that’s the last thing you would ever want. He’s so beautiful and so…

Fireworks

“Josie…Joooosie…” I feel myself slowly floating back into wake as my little brother tugs on my satin pajama sleeve. “Hmmm?” I manage to grumble out, my voice still asleep, desperate for the rest I have needed for about 28 hours. “The fireworks. You said they were doing fireworks again tonight but I don’t see ’em. I…

Chemicals

C8H11NO2+C10H12N20+C43H66N12O12S2 The chemical formula for love. A substance that could produce the same feeling as love within an individual. A “love potion” brought into reality. I can’t believe I have it, finally. “Be careful, M. Overdosing on any of the substances can easily cause schizophrenia, extreme paranoia, and insanity. I trust you to use this…

Four Letters

“Love” is a four lettered word that I don’t understand and I’m not sure I ever will. You seem to be so sure of what it is, that it is something that echoes within your veins reassuring you each time. I know adoration and I know passion but I don’t quite think those are equivalent…

Moon//Stars//Sun

We used to be like the stars and the moon; constantly together, always to be found in one another’s arms. You shone delicately as you rose each evening into the inky night sky and I followed. I looked so tiny, so minuscule compared to you, but you assured me otherwise. You were there for me…

Diners

The first time I saw him, he was digging ketchup out of a bottle with a knife. He was in his worn Rolling Stones tee and his crimson bandana held back his mop of crimson curls. He had his sleeves rolled up so I was able to see his intricate tattoos, trailing along is forearm….

Do What Makes YOU Happy

Do what makes you happy. I don’t care if that means getting weird looks in the hallways or down the street or people claiming your choice “affects them.” If you want to where a dress, do it. Kill that high low chiffon summer dress or deep purple evening gown. If you want to cut your…

Aftermath

It kicks you in the chest when you are so devastated and in so much pain and you pick up the phone to call the one person you can’t. It dries your throat as you realize all the “Good morning!” and “How are you? Miss you!” and “Love you!” and daily fun fact texts stop…

Rain

br /> Grieving and loss is like rain; the way it feels, pouring down onto your skin.   You aren’t prepared for this kind of storm; even if you have an umbrella or raingear. Nothing can protect you from what is to come. As you walk your way to your door, umbrella held high, the…