remembering remembering, or trying to

This place is freezing, and I don’t know if it’s the lack of your presence or the AC set to 70, but I curl myself back into this twin duvet and let my own warmth suffice. The excess bedding nestled in my arms, I hold onto a fuzzy memory of you. Your face is vague…

I Am From…

I am from Jaysun and Anne Stockdell-Giesler, from an artist and a writer. From learning to never end a sentence with a preposition by the age of 6 and laughing along as my math homework stumped even my father. I am from a long history of English degrees, of creative writing and PhD’s. From the…

Sisters

Leaving you two will be the hardest thing I’ve done in years. You both bring out the best in me. My truest, most honest self is only ever in its raw form around you two, and I thank you for that. You’ve allowed me to dive in and get to know myself. You’ve let me…

Illusionary Hopes

I need to let go of the illusion that it could have been any different. Any of it, really. I couldn’t have saved her. Cancer isn’t something you can just hope away. No matter what I did, nothing could’ve changed the terminal diagnosis hanging over her head. Not three thousand glasses of lemon water, not…

Scintilla

And the worst part is, it was never even fully real to begin with. Was it? It was a rendezvous between a rantipole and a flight risk and regardless of how careful you are, combinations of that sort never end well. Do they? Destined to collapse into oceans you once flew over together or burn…

I Learned A Lot About Being A Friend When I Was Alone

I learned a lot about being a friend when I was alone. Crowded rooms are consistently the most complicated and lonely places to find oneself. Standing alone while clusters of your former friends close themselves off to you is more painful than comprehensible. You lose basic knowledge of how to stand comfortably, of what to…

Exodus

While I do find beauty in metaphors, I think there’s something terrifyingly fascinating about being straightforward. Here, let me explain. In a metaphorical sense, these past four years have been to me as Apollo was to Daphne, as streptococcus pneumoniae is to the human body, as a chrysalis is to a caterpillar.   To be…

The Last Six Months, Sonicallly

Someone New // Banks Hard Feelings/Loveless // Lorde Supercut // Lorde You Should Talk // Fletcher Sad Beautiful Tragic // Taylor Swift Cotton Candy Skies // Sean Bolton Back To December // Taylor Swift Appointments // Julien Baker All These Years // Camila Cabello Reflections // The Neighbourhood These Songs Are Yours // Andrew Douglas…

Saudade

4 years ago today I was told you wouldn’t make it. 4 years ago today I didn’t think I would either.

Unsent, Unsaid

So much never said never spoken never sent never to be known. I still have so much left to say that I never did and now never can. Do you?  

It Hurts To Think Of December

Coming up this December, it’ll be three years since I last saw you. Three years since I heard your voice, felt your warmth, existed with you. That doesn’t feel real. I wish it wasn’t. Hell, I’d do anything to have you back, healthy. That night, you were carried out the door in a black body…

Fading Flashbacks

There are days, weeks even that I swear I am okay. All is okay until I hear a laugh that sounds vaguely like yours or see a sweater in a store that you would have adored. Everything collapses in those moments. I feel my stomach drop onto the pavement or the sterilized linoleum. Each of…

Mother’s Day

It’s your day, Mom.  I remember our last Mother’s Day. I put together a beautiful little fruit plate in the shape of a flower with a caramel candy (your favorite) in the center. You laughed when you saw it when I walked in your room with the blue hand-painted-breakfast-in-bed table. Your ear to ear grin…

Moon//Stars//Sun

We used to be like the stars and the moon; constantly together, always to be found in one another’s arms. You shone delicately as you rose each evening into the inky night sky and I followed. I looked so tiny, so minuscule compared to you, but you assured me otherwise. You were there for me…

Room 214

My shoes squeak and echo on the slick floors as I feel my eyes moisten. The air is filled with an overwhelming scent of sanitizer and other various chemicals used to clean, but that somehow makes the air feel filthier. The chairs are comfortable at first, as I feel relieved to have a place to rest,…

Missing Me And Parts Of You: An Epistolary Short Story

“Carter. It’s Tuesday. Three days since you left. It’s been 72 hours of anguish. I’m laying awake at approximately 3:15 A.M., the same time you first told me you loved me. We were sitting on my roof, the part that extends from my bedroom window, the oak tree’s canopy draped over us, creating our own…

If You’d Stayed

If you’d stayed three days longer Maybe things wouldn’t be this way. If you’d stayed four days kinder Maybe I wouldn’t feel betrayed. If you’d stayed five days stronger Maybe I wouldn’t be so fragile. If you’d stayed six days further Maybe life wouldn’t be such a battle. If you’d stayed seven days closer Maybe…

Canvas

We all start as a clean slate, an empty canvas. As we move through life, there are things, events, people, memories that shape us into who we are, little things like mom’s warm cookies or dances in the rain. I was born blank canvas with thin bristled brush to paint my world with all the…

Farewell

And to you, I say goodbye. Goodbye to your toxicity, your need to make me feel worthless. Farewell to your self hatred, it seeps through your skin and onto my own. So long to your mindset, believing things will never get better regardless. To you, I say goodbye. I will free myself from your long,…

Sleepless

As the sleet pings against my window pane, I think of you. I think of what I meant to you then and what I mean to you now. What changed? The sleet melts as it hits my window, turning into cascading waterfalls. I watch the water droplets create streams and endlessly crash into and away from…

To Resolute

As it is the New Year, I figured it to be rather fitting I decide upon my final resolutions and share them with you lovely, beautiful people. Write more. I m guilty of not always posting consistently, and for that, I apologize to you nd to myself. Writing quite literally heals me, as it allows…

Happy At Home

There is something about being with the right people that feels so much like home, regardless of how long you’ve known them or your relationship with them. Personally, I find home to be sandy air or snowy nights, cookie scented kitchens and satin pajamas. Laughter filled air and old cartoons and Disney on TV with kittens tie together…

730

It’s been 2 years without you, now. 730 days and I still miss you the same. I still would do anything to have you back and to rewind to that December night. Gosh, so much has changed. Everything has changed but my love and yearning for you. I

Songs for Mom

The Best Day-Taylor Swift Long Live-Taylor Swift Heal-Tom Odell Ronan-Taylor Swift Back To December-Taylor Swift Breathe-Taylor Swift Don’t Let Me Go-Harry Styles Autumn Leaves-Ed Sheeran In Memory-Ed Sheeran Photograph-Ed Sheeran Quiet Ballad Of Ed-Ed Sheeran When You Can’t Sleep At Night-Of Mice and Men Amnesia-5 Seconds Of Summer Come Back, Be Here-Taylor Swift My Good…

Perspectives

I saw a picture somewhere on on Twitter that read “Do you ever wonder how an author would describe you? Not only your appearance but the way you talk and laugh and hold yourself and all the expressions on your face?” It really intrigued me. My first thought was to send a mass message out…

Butterflies

Butterflies always seem to be romanticized and portrayed as a beautiful, airy feeling you get in your stomach when you see someone. What about the butterflies that stir things up and attack your heart as you walk to the front of the room to present or get ready to perform? What about the butterflies that…

Girls

Virtually It was just a few megapixels on a screen. Just a few little words and links and suggestions. Nothing that should’ve upset me. It’s not like it’s permanently engraved in my brain or anything. You were just a young, bored teenage girl filled with wrath and estrogen and I was the first target in…

Freedom in Chaos

“I know storms end in peace and rain showers create rainbows. I know diamonds are formed from the hardest, most seemingly worthless coal and wisdom comes from pain. I know there is beauty in the aftermath but when you tell me to look forward and push for that magnificent ending, you are telling me I…

Resemblance  

   The first time watching Tangled, the animated Disney film about Rapunzel, I noticed the resemblance between young Rapunzel to her mother and my mother and I. I have been told for years that I looked like Rapunzel (my lengthy blonde hair) and even more so since the film’s debut in 2010. The animated princess…

Remembering Her Service

December 18th, 2013. Three days after my mom passed. It was on a chilly, dark Thursday night. The people who she loved and who adored her gathered, suffocated by the pain of losing such an amazing woman. Poems were written and songs were sang. Oceans were wept and laughs were shared. It was a painful,…

Self Love

Within the past few months, I’ve become so much more accepting of myself and I am so thankful and proud of myself for that milestone. For years I lived putting all of my love into others, making certain those around me would never feel the absence of love. I never stopped to take a little…

Waking Nightmare

Sometimes  I have lovely dreams Of being with her again, They are so realistic and all I want is to grasp every moment, And turn it into reality. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. To be with her, Happy and healthy, For as long as time allows. But time won’t. The crippled hands of disease stole…

Iris

She said “I love you” too often Because she grew up in a house where those were your first words and your last. She always wanted to remind others how much the meant and how deeply they were loved. She saw the pain and angst behind their eyes, she saw a bit of who she…

Rain

br /> Grieving and loss is like rain; the way it feels, pouring down onto your skin.   You aren’t prepared for this kind of storm; even if you have an umbrella or raingear. Nothing can protect you from what is to come. As you walk your way to your door, umbrella held high, the…

Never

Where has the time gone? It seems just yesterday You were full of life and laughter, Eyes never fading to a gray. In truth it’s been several months, 11 to be exact. It feels like just yesterday We were together, laughing until we couldn’t breathe Yet slowly losing ourselves more and more every minute. There…

Bittersweet Sacrifices

My heart beats. Yours doesn’t. Blood flows fluidly through my veins. Yours has come to a halt. My chest rises and falls with every breath. Yours is forever frozen after your last. Water swallows my eyes at your memory. Yours are sealed shut, never to open again. I feel my bones creak as I walk…

Missing

That night changed everything. That cold air will never leave my lungs, But will never enter yours. There is a gaping hole in my chest That you used to fill. I long for you so much, That I am physically in pain. I think of you, And my gaze goes downward. My hands begin to…

Behind Closed Curtains

From the sound of her combat boots echoing through the seemingly empty hallways, To the gentle lines of black makeup carefully lining a fraction if her upper eye lid, She was their ideal. To others, she seemed Carefree. Hopeful. Confident. Positive. Mysterious. Oh, but what a mystery she was. Carefree was far from what she…

This, I Believe

I used to think we lived without a purpose. We all live, and we all eventually die, thinking our goal in life is simply to live, to survive. If oblivion is upon us, then what’s the point in even trying? My mom had been experiencing cancer for the 2nd time for a little over a…

On School

I, since the day I was born, am Mary Arden Stockdell-Giesler. My parents decided to call me Arden, and when I grew older if I wanted to go by Mary, then I could. Personally, I prefer Arden, even though it causes so much confusion in schools. On my first day of Pre-K, I was nothing…

Formally Estatic

Tonight is the night I have been dreaming of ever since I was a mere little 3rd grader. I have always imagined what my dress would look like, which of my friends my friends would be going, how my hair would be styled, what music would be playing, and the pure enchanting essence of formal…

Thank You, 8th Grade.

8th grade has probably been one of the most eventful years in middle school for me (and right behind it would be 6th grade, consisting of my mom’s re-diagnoses and homeschooling). I have met so many amazing people this year and have seen new sides of life I had never thought about before. This year…

Why Writing?

It isn’t unusual for people to ask me what I love to do, and of course, I respond with “writing or literature”, and it is even more common for people to ask me why. And truth is, there are so many reasons why I right, that I don’t even realize them half the time. The…

8th Grade Ending

Middle school is coming to a close for me. In just 13 days, I will never attend another middle school. As hard as these past few years have been, and as much as I have wanted to leave them behind, I can’t help but miss some of the memories already. I have had some amazing…

Birthdays and Birth Days

My mom would always say to me, that my birthday (October 17th, 1999) was the day I was born, but it was also her Birth Day, the day she gave birth to me. I have always loved that. Of course, it is the day the child takes their first breath, but it is also the…