In 5 Years’ Time

60 months. 262 weeks. 1,821 days. 43,701 hours. Has it actually been five years since I last saw you, since you passed? I can’t really begin to comprehend that, honestly. Half the time, I can convince myself it feels like just yesterday but to be candid, it feels like it’s been a decade. You missed…

The Way They Leave Tells You Everything.

I shouldn’t be laying on my bedroom floor in my now dried towel at 3 A.M. after my 4th shower of trying to wash you off of me. I shouldn’t be driving myself insane over the questions of who she was, of who she is, of what she is that I’m not, of why I…

Promises

I’ve never known a promise that wasn’t broken so don’t promise me this isn’t the end when all that’ll do is carve this day as our expiration. You see, I’ve learned enough about promises to know they almost function as a curse. I promised to always treat myself with the kindness I’d treat my own…

Flicker

Just a little flame quick to burn out just a little something to keep you warm between bodies is that what I was to you? what we were? just a small flame, flickering in the dark until the wax dripped down completely and the wick burnt out, until there was nothing left to be said….

Scintilla

And the worst part is, it was never even fully real to begin with. Was it? It was a rendezvous between a rantipole and a flight risk and regardless of how careful you are, combinations of that sort never end well. Do they? Destined to collapse into oceans you once flew over together or burn…

Before You

Others have sat in this seat before you. Some with the same name some with similar minds some with the same avocation but none with the same eyes. You are not the first to hold me closely, to replace my name with sweet nothings. Different fingers have been laced in mine and traced constellations in…

Emotional Sensations

I can feel it. I can already feel it and I’m scared. I can feel the sun from your eyes warming my skin after months of being frozen over. I can feel my heart start to rush into melody every time I hear your name. I can feel my hands always searching for yours, even…

The Last Six Months, Sonicallly

Someone New // Banks Hard Feelings/Loveless // Lorde Supercut // Lorde You Should Talk // Fletcher Sad Beautiful Tragic // Taylor Swift Cotton Candy Skies // Sean Bolton Back To December // Taylor Swift Appointments // Julien Baker All These Years // Camila Cabello Reflections // The Neighbourhood These Songs Are Yours // Andrew Douglas…

Liquid Love

I have so much love within me so much luminous love and sometimes, I find it overflowing and spilling into the wrong hands. I don’t intend for it to but once it does, once it’s floating someone’s palm it stays there until they let it slip through their fingers. Even then, fragments of my love…

Sweet Nothings

You call me sweet little nothings and each breath turns them into somethings. Your lips have the ability to melt harsh syllables into melodic symphonies and completely cover me when you speak. I am not sure whether or not this is real, whether this is a mirage or if this is hope manifested but that…

Your Old Things, Take Them

I’ve got your stuff all pressed and boxed up, the dust collected atop and all. I don’t want this any of it your old t shirts or glass water bottles or our journal lined with bleeding hearts or these mixed CDs I’ve made for you all 9. I don’t want these butterflies that won’t seem…

You’re Going To Live Forever In Me

1,461 nights ago, your heart stopped in your chest and starting beating alongside mine. Your soul left your body and ours joined seamlessly though I am not entirely sure our souls were ever separate to begin with. We are made of the same stars the same flowing ink on pages of never written novels the…

I’m Freezing Over

I don’t understand how you can claim to love someone still so deeply yet feed them icy silence, ignoring their open hand.

Writer’s Decongestant

Now I know that this is not a time for us. There are too many miles separating and not enough trust to build off of. I am not asking that you ignore those circumstances, that would be far beyond reason to ask of even myself. In fact, I am not asking anything of you at…

Bonfire Heart

I was aimlessly flipping through my journals aged three years, only to see a letter I had begun to write for you a couple months ago. Buried beneath pages filled with ramblings from a freshman class, there was my handwriting from only a few months ago, graphite still fresh. “Dearest, There are no words for…

Desiderium

I believe a person has multiple soulmates; one for each part of who they are. I wholeheartedly believe you were the soulmate of all the best, most beautiful parts of me.

I Wrote This For You

I am writing this for you. The you who knows me through and through, despite what you may believe, anymore. The you who knows my speech patterns like the chorus to your favorite song and the inside of my hands like your own personal roadmap to our made up constellations. I am writing this in…

Conversations

“Your hair is a bit shorter now.” You tell me this while your hand begins to reach towards the ends which fall somewhere between my shoulders and chin.  I think I can almost hear a tinge of sadness in your voice, but it’s hard to say; you always were rather brilliant at masking your thoughts…

Nepenthe

Sitting in the passenger seat as you leaned over the middle console, serenading me between kisses, promising to share our lives for the next ten minutes. I could feel a smile spread across your face, your cheeks turning upwards against mine. Every constellation was watching us with marvelous envy, wishing desperately they could be as…

Do You?

I want to ask what you think of me. I want to know your candid thoughts when you hear my name. I want to know what swims through your mind when you hear a song I used to sing, windows down, blasting. I want to know if you ever think of me the same times…

I Used To Hold Those Eyes In Mine

I am terrified I will see you look at her the way you used to look at me and I will feel every bone in my body turn to dust under the pressure of my suddenly still heart.

Always Beside You

You will find me swimming in your mid afternoon coffee and gently staining your upper lip. I’m the string on your guitar that keeps going just slightly out of tune, and only so much to make you laugh and tune me right back up . I will be the single snowflake falling perfectly onto your…

Remember

“Remember this.” my mind muttered to me “Remember how it feels to lay next to her, to feel her beating heart and her gentle breath against your skin.” “Remember how it feels to be comforted simply by her presence, by knowing she’s right beside you.” “Remember feeling whole, complete.” I tried and I tried to hold…

Homesick

Ever since you stepped off my doorstep and boarded the plane, I’ve found myself subconsciously wishing each one passing overhead is one holding you brining you back home to me. It’s only been four days and it feels like weeks. I spend each hour finding new ways to miss you and with each day comes a…

An Eclipse

With you no longer here, no longer in my arms or even the same country, the light has dimmed. You are the sun, the brightness in my life and without you here, the days resume the same dullness the held before you. Tonight starts the month-long eclipse.

Overpass

Headlights passing passing passing Perched on the overhang of the overpass with you beside me. Arm wrapped gently around my shoulders holding me close holding me together. The tip of the unnoticeably less than full moon begins to radiate through the distant bare trees. I looked over at you and realized the moon resembled the reflection of…

Wildflower Words

And here my writing returns back to the oh-so-expected sense of romance the stereotypical and too often dull sense of imagined spark of a seemingly blinded heart falling without any way of catching something to lighten the fall. Poetry of such can far too often turn to a routine written by a blatherskite but life is so…

188 Memories And Photographs

I deleted all of our pictures yesterday.  It was like deleting memories Smiles Laughter The times you still loved me. I went through my phone and one by one deleted each of the 188 photographs of you, Of us. 188 memories. I knew I had to do it I couldn’t avoid it forever. Those photos…

The Difference Between The Way You Loved Me And The Way I Loved You

I think I figured it out.  From the very beginning, you had this idea of me, this fictionalized version of who you thought I was. To you, I was beautiful. I was beautifully broken and brilliantly bright. I was this extraordinary mystery you wanted to solve, to cure. I was an adventure that you so…

Our Own Greek Tragedy

I thought we were the daughter of Apollo and son of Hephaestus. I now know I am the daughter of Anteros and you are the son of Ares.

I’m Still Learning

Somewhere in the fall, I lost the map to the personal universe behind my green grey eyes. My head is spinning as I try to comprehend which habits are mine and which I created to please you. The spinning changes course as I try to remember the pieces of me I deleted for you, giving me…

The Afterthought

It’s really interesting rather funny, actually how we found ourselves in the opposite position we imagined. In the beginning, you were the one chasing after me with your alternative songs and sincere words I was the one giving you, giving us another chance. We both knew I had been the one who had lost feelings in…

Stained

You always told me you were poisonous that in the end, you would end up with inky blood on your hands and dripping from your name. I never believed you. Not for a moment. You were mortified by the thought of your ink staining my delicate skin, my pages. You wanted anything but to hurt me. I…

I Will Not Lie

I will not lie. I still miss him. I miss the way he’d pull me in, causing me to fall into him. I miss his incredibly beautiful genuine smile that only appeared once in awhile. I long for our car rides with music blasting and beating in time with our hearts. I miss watching him…

It’s Never You

I never could take my eyes off you. Now, I find myself looking to every opening door and hoping it’s you on the other side.

I Am Still That Girl

When we ended, it wasn’t peaceful. Now, I am still entirely broken and you are perfectly fine. You aren’t missing me and in fact, you are happier than you ever were with me. I am happy you are happy, please understand that. I just wish I could be the one inspiring that smile.   Years…

The Last Kiss

When you kissed me that night, when you touched my cheek and gently turned it to face you, when your lips met mine that last time, when you kissed me and you knew you never would again, that was when all the angels fell.

Sugar Coating The Bullet

When you told me you still wanted to be in my life, I couldn’t read my own thoughts. I felt utter sadness yet also complete frustration. I will always want you in my life but not in that way. I don’t want you laughing across the table with my friends while I sit there, acting…

Broken Record

“I love you.” “I love you too.” From the very beginning, there was something there. We nurtured it and watched it bloom into something so incredibly profound. Nobody really understood but nobody questioned it. It was written in the oldest of tales. We were whole together. “I love you.” “Love ya too.” You began to…

We Are Chaos

We are chaos. We fall apart just to fall back into each other. Our muscles are sore and cramping from trying to keep up and the world is spinning as our dizzy heads refuse to settle. There are moments of complete, entire bliss. We find a safe little latibule to reside within, at least before…

I Wear My Heart Around My Neck

I wear my heart around my neck, now. It was covered by my sleeve and caged within my ribs. Here, on a delicate silver chain, it can be seen. It can feel.  Here, it is vulnerable. Here, it can be cut. Bruised. Sliced. Torn. Battered. Beaten. Here, it can be destroyed.  Here, it can be healed….

Your Arms Are The Map

I have always wanted to see the world. You know that. I babble on and on endlessly to you about how I am desperate to just soak in the London rain and watch the sunsets Luxor. You also know I am not really the best with change, with packing my things and being on my…

Deconstructed

You took me apart piece by piece. Separated each fragment of my body and my soul and laid me along the earth. I thought you looked at me like I was one of Neptune’s moons but I didn’t realize you were analyzing me the way a predator does prey.   You pushed aside my  poetry…