In 5 Years’ Time

60 months. 262 weeks. 1,821 days. 43,701 hours. Has it actually been five years since I last saw you, since you passed? I can’t really begin to comprehend that, honestly. Half the time, I can convince myself it feels like just yesterday but to be candid, it feels like it’s been a decade. You missed…

*You’re

I almost wish we’d never met. You stole six months from me, only half of which filled with naive apprehension and adoration. Even then, can the feeling of unknowingness ever truly be happy? Safe? Okay? I found myself drowning in the anxiety of question marks coating my skin, even then. The remaining three months were…

I Only Told The Moon

I feel scared and alone. Now, I know I am not actually alone; I have loving support just a call away and an entire set of heartbeats backing my steps. Knowing that doesn’t stop the feeling, though. No matter how many times I chant a mantra of serenity, the harsh reality of being cast into…

Illusionary Hopes

I need to let go of the illusion that it could have been any different. Any of it, really. I couldn’t have saved her. Cancer isn’t something you can just hope away. No matter what I did, nothing could’ve changed the terminal diagnosis hanging over her head. Not three thousand glasses of lemon water, not…

The Way They Leave Tells You Everything.

I shouldn’t be laying on my bedroom floor in my now dried towel at 3 A.M. after my 4th shower of trying to wash you off of me. I shouldn’t be driving myself insane over the questions of who she was, of who she is, of what she is that I’m not, of why I…

Promises

I’ve never known a promise that wasn’t broken so don’t promise me this isn’t the end when all that’ll do is carve this day as our expiration. You see, I’ve learned enough about promises to know they almost function as a curse. I promised to always treat myself with the kindness I’d treat my own…

Flicker

Just a little flame quick to burn out just a little something to keep you warm between bodies is that what I was to you? what we were? just a small flame, flickering in the dark until the wax dripped down completely and the wick burnt out, until there was nothing left to be said….

Scintilla

And the worst part is, it was never even fully real to begin with. Was it? It was a rendezvous between a rantipole and a flight risk and regardless of how careful you are, combinations of that sort never end well. Do they? Destined to collapse into oceans you once flew over together or burn…

I Learned A Lot About Being A Friend When I Was Alone

I learned a lot about being a friend when I was alone. Crowded rooms are consistently the most complicated and lonely places to find oneself. Standing alone while clusters of your former friends close themselves off to you is more painful than comprehensible. You lose basic knowledge of how to stand comfortably, of what to…

I Met Evil When I Was Only A Child

I met evil when I was only a child. It stepped onto my doorstep in late February. Evil drove as we spent consecutive hours, days, weeks, months in hospital beds and folding chairs the scent of the linoleum floor and sterilized air permanently perfumed our skin and stained our memories. Evil watched as the nurses…

The Last Six Months, Sonicallly

Someone New // Banks Hard Feelings/Loveless // Lorde Supercut // Lorde You Should Talk // Fletcher Sad Beautiful Tragic // Taylor Swift Cotton Candy Skies // Sean Bolton Back To December // Taylor Swift Appointments // Julien Baker All These Years // Camila Cabello Reflections // The Neighbourhood These Songs Are Yours // Andrew Douglas…

Your Old Things, Take Them

I’ve got your stuff all pressed and boxed up, the dust collected atop and all. I don’t want this any of it your old t shirts or glass water bottles or our journal lined with bleeding hearts or these mixed CDs I’ve made for you all 9. I don’t want these butterflies that won’t seem…

Where Are You?

I promised I’d always find you but you’ve stolen the sun and now I’m lost.

You’re Going To Live Forever In Me

1,461 nights ago, your heart stopped in your chest and starting beating alongside mine. Your soul left your body and ours joined seamlessly though I am not entirely sure our souls were ever separate to begin with. We are made of the same stars the same flowing ink on pages of never written novels the…

Saudade

4 years ago today I was told you wouldn’t make it. 4 years ago today I didn’t think I would either.

I’m Freezing Over

I don’t understand how you can claim to love someone still so deeply yet feed them icy silence, ignoring their open hand.

Writer’s Decongestant

Now I know that this is not a time for us. There are too many miles separating and not enough trust to build off of. I am not asking that you ignore those circumstances, that would be far beyond reason to ask of even myself. In fact, I am not asking anything of you at…

Bonfire Heart

I was aimlessly flipping through my journals aged three years, only to see a letter I had begun to write for you a couple months ago. Buried beneath pages filled with ramblings from a freshman class, there was my handwriting from only a few months ago, graphite still fresh. “Dearest, There are no words for…

I Wrote This For You

I am writing this for you. The you who knows me through and through, despite what you may believe, anymore. The you who knows my speech patterns like the chorus to your favorite song and the inside of my hands like your own personal roadmap to our made up constellations. I am writing this in…

Conversations

“Your hair is a bit shorter now.” You tell me this while your hand begins to reach towards the ends which fall somewhere between my shoulders and chin.  I think I can almost hear a tinge of sadness in your voice, but it’s hard to say; you always were rather brilliant at masking your thoughts…

Do You?

I want to ask what you think of me. I want to know your candid thoughts when you hear my name. I want to know what swims through your mind when you hear a song I used to sing, windows down, blasting. I want to know if you ever think of me the same times…

I Used To Hold Those Eyes In Mine

I am terrified I will see you look at her the way you used to look at me and I will feel every bone in my body turn to dust under the pressure of my suddenly still heart.

The Paradox Of Unhealing

What do you do when a wound was never given time to heal? It’s been left untreated for months continuously poked and torn and ripped. Do you reach for closure for it to begin mending or do you bite your cheek, tighten your lungs, and walk on? Do you risk what the little stability you…

Remember

“Remember this.” my mind muttered to me “Remember how it feels to lay next to her, to feel her beating heart and her gentle breath against your skin.” “Remember how it feels to be comforted simply by her presence, by knowing she’s right beside you.” “Remember feeling whole, complete.” I tried and I tried to hold…

Unsent, Unsaid

So much never said never spoken never sent never to be known. I still have so much left to say that I never did and now never can. Do you?  

Mother’s Day, Once More

Sitting here in my room missing you, again. Although, it’s not a sad feeling. It’s one of appreciation and longing. Yes, of course I do still feel empty, like I am lacking you. I am. I am missing the parts of my soul that were connected to yours. They left the same night you did….

Denouement

I understand if we must let things go but please please do not forget the beauty we held for those years. Do not dismiss the way we took on the world, just the two of us against everything or the way neither of us hesitated to support the other. Always remember the feeling when we laughed until…

Your Last Poem

No. No, you know what? You don’t deserve to know my thoughts and the way you’ve been circling my mind. You don’t deserve to have your venomous eyes glorified and romanticized into some beautiful metaphor they are not. You don’t deserve to be painted as something pure, like you did no wrong because in the…

It Took Me 10 Years To Learn That

I was seven years old when my mother told me the brightest, most beautiful insects were the most venomous. I was seventeen years old when I looked into your brilliantly green eyes and realized she had been right.

188 Memories And Photographs

I deleted all of our pictures yesterday.  It was like deleting memories Smiles Laughter The times you still loved me. I went through my phone and one by one deleted each of the 188 photographs of you, Of us. 188 memories. I knew I had to do it I couldn’t avoid it forever. Those photos…

The Difference Between The Way You Loved Me And The Way I Loved You

I think I figured it out.  From the very beginning, you had this idea of me, this fictionalized version of who you thought I was. To you, I was beautiful. I was beautifully broken and brilliantly bright. I was this extraordinary mystery you wanted to solve, to cure. I was an adventure that you so…

Our Own Greek Tragedy

I thought we were the daughter of Apollo and son of Hephaestus. I now know I am the daughter of Anteros and you are the son of Ares.

I’m Still Learning

Somewhere in the fall, I lost the map to the personal universe behind my green grey eyes. My head is spinning as I try to comprehend which habits are mine and which I created to please you. The spinning changes course as I try to remember the pieces of me I deleted for you, giving me…

The Afterthought

It’s really interesting rather funny, actually how we found ourselves in the opposite position we imagined. In the beginning, you were the one chasing after me with your alternative songs and sincere words I was the one giving you, giving us another chance. We both knew I had been the one who had lost feelings in…

Stained

You always told me you were poisonous that in the end, you would end up with inky blood on your hands and dripping from your name. I never believed you. Not for a moment. You were mortified by the thought of your ink staining my delicate skin, my pages. You wanted anything but to hurt me. I…

I Will Not Lie

I will not lie. I still miss him. I miss the way he’d pull me in, causing me to fall into him. I miss his incredibly beautiful genuine smile that only appeared once in awhile. I long for our car rides with music blasting and beating in time with our hearts. I miss watching him…

It’s Never You

I never could take my eyes off you. Now, I find myself looking to every opening door and hoping it’s you on the other side.

I Am Still That Girl

When we ended, it wasn’t peaceful. Now, I am still entirely broken and you are perfectly fine. You aren’t missing me and in fact, you are happier than you ever were with me. I am happy you are happy, please understand that. I just wish I could be the one inspiring that smile.   Years…

The Last Kiss

When you kissed me that night, when you touched my cheek and gently turned it to face you, when your lips met mine that last time, when you kissed me and you knew you never would again, that was when all the angels fell.

Sugar Coating The Bullet

When you told me you still wanted to be in my life, I couldn’t read my own thoughts. I felt utter sadness yet also complete frustration. I will always want you in my life but not in that way. I don’t want you laughing across the table with my friends while I sit there, acting…

Broken Record

“I love you.” “I love you too.” From the very beginning, there was something there. We nurtured it and watched it bloom into something so incredibly profound. Nobody really understood but nobody questioned it. It was written in the oldest of tales. We were whole together. “I love you.” “Love ya too.” You began to…

It Hurts To Think Of December

Coming up this December, it’ll be three years since I last saw you. Three years since I heard your voice, felt your warmth, existed with you. That doesn’t feel real. I wish it wasn’t. Hell, I’d do anything to have you back, healthy. That night, you were carried out the door in a black body…