In 5 Years’ Time

60 months. 262 weeks. 1,821 days. 43,701 hours. Has it actually been five years since I last saw you, since you passed? I can’t really begin to comprehend that, honestly. Half the time, I can convince myself it feels like just yesterday but to be candid, it feels like it’s been a decade. You missed…

Rewrite The Written

They say I have your words your state of mind and your empathetic demeanor. They say I carry you and your heart alongside mine and your pen in my hand. Am I your walking ghost? Am I a disarrayed collection of all you were, masked behind all your features and my own green eyes? I…

*You’re

I almost wish we’d never met. You stole six months from me, only half of which filled with naive apprehension and adoration. Even then, can the feeling of unknowingness ever truly be happy? Safe? Okay? I found myself drowning in the anxiety of question marks coating my skin, even then. The remaining three months were…

I Only Told The Moon

I feel scared and alone. Now, I know I am not actually alone; I have loving support just a call away and an entire set of heartbeats backing my steps. Knowing that doesn’t stop the feeling, though. No matter how many times I chant a mantra of serenity, the harsh reality of being cast into…

Illusionary Hopes

I need to let go of the illusion that it could have been any different. Any of it, really. I couldn’t have saved her. Cancer isn’t something you can just hope away. No matter what I did, nothing could’ve changed the terminal diagnosis hanging over her head. Not three thousand glasses of lemon water, not…

The Way They Leave Tells You Everything.

I shouldn’t be laying on my bedroom floor in my now dried towel at 3 A.M. after my 4th shower of trying to wash you off of me. I shouldn’t be driving myself insane over the questions of who she was, of who she is, of what she is that I’m not, of why I…

Promises

I’ve never known a promise that wasn’t broken so don’t promise me this isn’t the end when all that’ll do is carve this day as our expiration. You see, I’ve learned enough about promises to know they almost function as a curse. I promised to always treat myself with the kindness I’d treat my own…

Flicker

Just a little flame quick to burn out just a little something to keep you warm between bodies is that what I was to you? what we were? just a small flame, flickering in the dark until the wax dripped down completely and the wick burnt out, until there was nothing left to be said….

Scintilla

And the worst part is, it was never even fully real to begin with. Was it? It was a rendezvous between a rantipole and a flight risk and regardless of how careful you are, combinations of that sort never end well. Do they? Destined to collapse into oceans you once flew over together or burn…

I Met Evil When I Was Only A Child

I met evil when I was only a child. It stepped onto my doorstep in late February. Evil drove as we spent consecutive hours, days, weeks, months in hospital beds and folding chairs the scent of the linoleum floor and sterilized air permanently perfumed our skin and stained our memories. Evil watched as the nurses…

The Last Six Months, Sonicallly

Someone New // Banks Hard Feelings/Loveless // Lorde Supercut // Lorde You Should Talk // Fletcher Sad Beautiful Tragic // Taylor Swift Cotton Candy Skies // Sean Bolton Back To December // Taylor Swift Appointments // Julien Baker All These Years // Camila Cabello Reflections // The Neighbourhood These Songs Are Yours // Andrew Douglas…

Where Are You?

I promised I’d always find you but you’ve stolen the sun and now I’m lost.

You’re Going To Live Forever In Me

1,461 nights ago, your heart stopped in your chest and starting beating alongside mine. Your soul left your body and ours joined seamlessly though I am not entirely sure our souls were ever separate to begin with. We are made of the same stars the same flowing ink on pages of never written novels the…

Saudade

4 years ago today I was told you wouldn’t make it. 4 years ago today I didn’t think I would either.

I’m Freezing Over

I don’t understand how you can claim to love someone still so deeply yet feed them icy silence, ignoring their open hand.

Bonfire Heart

I was aimlessly flipping through my journals aged three years, only to see a letter I had begun to write for you a couple months ago. Buried beneath pages filled with ramblings from a freshman class, there was my handwriting from only a few months ago, graphite still fresh. “Dearest, There are no words for…

I Wrote This For You

I am writing this for you. The you who knows me through and through, despite what you may believe, anymore. The you who knows my speech patterns like the chorus to your favorite song and the inside of my hands like your own personal roadmap to our made up constellations. I am writing this in…

I Used To Hold Those Eyes In Mine

I am terrified I will see you look at her the way you used to look at me and I will feel every bone in my body turn to dust under the pressure of my suddenly still heart.

The Paradox Of Unhealing

What do you do when a wound was never given time to heal? It’s been left untreated for months continuously poked and torn and ripped. Do you reach for closure for it to begin mending or do you bite your cheek, tighten your lungs, and walk on? Do you risk what the little stability you…

Remember

“Remember this.” my mind muttered to me “Remember how it feels to lay next to her, to feel her beating heart and her gentle breath against your skin.” “Remember how it feels to be comforted simply by her presence, by knowing she’s right beside you.” “Remember feeling whole, complete.” I tried and I tried to hold…

An Eclipse

With you no longer here, no longer in my arms or even the same country, the light has dimmed. You are the sun, the brightness in my life and without you here, the days resume the same dullness the held before you. Tonight starts the month-long eclipse.

Mother’s Day, Once More

Sitting here in my room missing you, again. Although, it’s not a sad feeling. It’s one of appreciation and longing. Yes, of course I do still feel empty, like I am lacking you. I am. I am missing the parts of my soul that were connected to yours. They left the same night you did….

Denouement

I understand if we must let things go but please please do not forget the beauty we held for those years. Do not dismiss the way we took on the world, just the two of us against everything or the way neither of us hesitated to support the other. Always remember the feeling when we laughed until…

188 Memories And Photographs

I deleted all of our pictures yesterday.  It was like deleting memories Smiles Laughter The times you still loved me. I went through my phone and one by one deleted each of the 188 photographs of you, Of us. 188 memories. I knew I had to do it I couldn’t avoid it forever. Those photos…

I’m Still Learning

Somewhere in the fall, I lost the map to the personal universe behind my green grey eyes. My head is spinning as I try to comprehend which habits are mine and which I created to please you. The spinning changes course as I try to remember the pieces of me I deleted for you, giving me…

I Will Not Lie

I will not lie. I still miss him. I miss the way he’d pull me in, causing me to fall into him. I miss his incredibly beautiful genuine smile that only appeared once in awhile. I long for our car rides with music blasting and beating in time with our hearts. I miss watching him…

It’s Never You

I never could take my eyes off you. Now, I find myself looking to every opening door and hoping it’s you on the other side.

Enthusiasm

Lately, I’ve been faking happiness acting like I’m okay when in actuality, all of my bones are shattered into dust remains and resting in the souls of my shoes. Before, I wasn’t really great at this. I was always told I was “as easy to read as a book” a simplistic book, I assumed. One…

Sugar Coating The Bullet

When you told me you still wanted to be in my life, I couldn’t read my own thoughts. I felt utter sadness yet also complete frustration. I will always want you in my life but not in that way. I don’t want you laughing across the table with my friends while I sit there, acting…

Broken Record

“I love you.” “I love you too.” From the very beginning, there was something there. We nurtured it and watched it bloom into something so incredibly profound. Nobody really understood but nobody questioned it. It was written in the oldest of tales. We were whole together. “I love you.” “Love ya too.” You began to…

I Wear My Heart Around My Neck

I wear my heart around my neck, now. It was covered by my sleeve and caged within my ribs. Here, on a delicate silver chain, it can be seen. It can feel.  Here, it is vulnerable. Here, it can be cut. Bruised. Sliced. Torn. Battered. Beaten. Here, it can be destroyed.  Here, it can be healed….

Disintegrate

sometimes things just d   w   i  n   d   l   e d o w n to nothing. you can just feel disintegrating in your lungs in your left-side brain in your shoulders in your stomach as the acid rises in your shaking hands until it is all gone and nothing is left. nothing left but ashes and dust.

Deconstructed

You took me apart piece by piece. Separated each fragment of my body and my soul and laid me along the earth. I thought you looked at me like I was one of Neptune’s moons but I didn’t realize you were analyzing me the way a predator does prey.   You pushed aside my  poetry…

Fading Flashbacks

There are days, weeks even that I swear I am okay. All is okay until I hear a laugh that sounds vaguely like yours or see a sweater in a store that you would have adored. Everything collapses in those moments. I feel my stomach drop onto the pavement or the sterilized linoleum. Each of…

Posting On Your Facebook

Sometimes I think about how you have never seen my blog. You’ve never read any of my work in the past (almost) three years or anything of which I have really felt proud. Honestly, I don’t quite remember what you did read. All I know is you always encouraged me to keep writing and writing…

Mother’s Day

It’s your day, Mom.  I remember our last Mother’s Day. I put together a beautiful little fruit plate in the shape of a flower with a caramel candy (your favorite) in the center. You laughed when you saw it when I walked in your room with the blue hand-painted-breakfast-in-bed table. Your ear to ear grin…

Moon//Stars//Sun

We used to be like the stars and the moon; constantly together, always to be found in one another’s arms. You shone delicately as you rose each evening into the inky night sky and I followed. I looked so tiny, so minuscule compared to you, but you assured me otherwise. You were there for me…

Diners

The first time I saw him, he was digging ketchup out of a bottle with a knife. He was in his worn Rolling Stones tee and his crimson bandana held back his mop of crimson curls. He had his sleeves rolled up so I was able to see his intricate tattoos, trailing along is forearm….

Room 214

My shoes squeak and echo on the slick floors as I feel my eyes moisten. The air is filled with an overwhelming scent of sanitizer and other various chemicals used to clean, but that somehow makes the air feel filthier. The chairs are comfortable at first, as I feel relieved to have a place to rest,…

If You’d Stayed

If you’d stayed three days longer Maybe things wouldn’t be this way. If you’d stayed four days kinder Maybe I wouldn’t feel betrayed. If you’d stayed five days stronger Maybe I wouldn’t be so fragile. If you’d stayed six days further Maybe life wouldn’t be such a battle. If you’d stayed seven days closer Maybe…

Canvas

We all start as a clean slate, an empty canvas. As we move through life, there are things, events, people, memories that shape us into who we are, little things like mom’s warm cookies or dances in the rain. I was born blank canvas with thin bristled brush to paint my world with all the…

Farewell

And to you, I say goodbye. Goodbye to your toxicity, your need to make me feel worthless. Farewell to your self hatred, it seeps through your skin and onto my own. So long to your mindset, believing things will never get better regardless. To you, I say goodbye. I will free myself from your long,…

Sleepless

As the sleet pings against my window pane, I think of you. I think of what I meant to you then and what I mean to you now. What changed? The sleet melts as it hits my window, turning into cascading waterfalls. I watch the water droplets create streams and endlessly crash into and away from…

To Resolute

As it is the New Year, I figured it to be rather fitting I decide upon my final resolutions and share them with you lovely, beautiful people. Write more. I m guilty of not always posting consistently, and for that, I apologize to you nd to myself. Writing quite literally heals me, as it allows…