I almost wish we’d never met.
You stole six months from me, only half of which filled with naive apprehension and adoration. Even then, can the feeling of unknowingness ever truly be happy? Safe? Okay? I found myself drowning in the anxiety of question marks coating my skin, even then. The remaining three months were doused in confusion, immense ache, betrayal, and some sense of loftiness, of being combusted and floating with nothing left to hold me together. Screams of
“I was sure I didn’t want to date you”
“but then I met this girl…”
“…she wasn’t too affectionate, which I liked…”
“Her and I dated for two months…”
“…she needed space but I’m not sure if it’s because I had too much affection”
“…I really like her and want to get her back…”
rattle around my mind until I find that I can’t breathe. Why are you telling me these things? I already found out about her, about your infidelities. Why do you feel the need to come to me about losing her? About aching over someone else while I’m aching over you?
You tell me I gave too much affection which is an absolute blatant lie and pitiful excuse. Anyone who knows me can attest to that, without even brief hesitation. Hell, those who don’t can look through my past posts about you and feel the fear lingering in between metaphors. I was terrified, straight from the beginning. My walls were up so high from my last downfalls that it took you so, so long to begin to really bring them down. You let me trust you. I was tiptoeing around us, because I learned all too well that things can collapse and break in on you at any moment. But, you told me you loved me multiple times, all without any prompting or response from me. Does that sound like I was the one being too “mushy”, too attached? Please, tell me one time I was the one doing too much. I dare you.
Then, the echoes of your lies begin to coat my mind.
“I’ll never hurt you like they did. I couldn’t; you’re too special.”
“just hanging as friends”
“Your the only one I’m seeing. I promise.”
“It’s not like I’m seeing anyone else, I didn’t use you or any of that”
You were a revival to me, a glimpse of delicate sunlight after being ferociously burned far too many times before. You were a physical embodiment of my fragile reborn trust and the hope that I deserved more than I’d been previously shown. All of that has been shattered.
But to you? I was just something to keep your heart warm and ego high. I was a bounce back, some shiny new toy you saw and decided to get some use out of until you were done and found something better. I’m not sure you ever truly saw me as human, as someone rather than something. I don’t know if you do, even now.
How did we go from you texting me
“Hey, it’s me. I just want to let you know I’ll never screw you over and totally respect you”
“Your so special in my life”
“I’m so glad to have you in my life because I have nobody else to comfort me.”
“I’m so lucky to be talking to such a beautiful girl”
“Your the best thing in my life right now”
“…but then I met a girl who wasn’t too affectionate, which I liked…”
“When I get back from Norway, I could see us starting a relationship again”
“I feel like long distance would just rip away everything we’ve built and I couldn’t have that. That would hurt more than anything. I need you in my life in some aspect. I couldn’t not have you.”
“I’d love to be in a relationship with you but we are both moving soon”
“I really like her and I want to her back even though we won’t have time to see each other”
“Thank you for making me happy. Some of the best times of my life”
“Your still one of my best friends and always will be. You are and always will be one of the best people in my life.”
“As long as I’m with you, I don’t care.”
“I started to talk to her so I started to distance myself from you.”
“I could really see us getting married someday”
“You’re so special and full of love, I love you.”
“FYI, in case I die, I love you and your awesome.”
“I will too, when we’re married”
“I love you.”
“I came to like you but I was sure I didn’t want to date you”
What the hell happened? What kind of absolute crisis caused that one hundred and eighty degree change of heart? You went from claiming your heart was filled with melodies of my name to deciding you never wanted to be with me in the first place. You’re contradicting yourself and if I still cared enough, I’d be concerned for you. Instead, I have no doubt it’s just karma showing her early signs of arrival. She’s been treating me beautifully lately; better than you have. I hope she makes you human. You know, capable of empathy and actual emotions, maybe. I also hope she packs a mean punch. A really, really mean one.